Husbands are called to love their wives – and they must do so as Christ loves the church. As is often noted, the love of Christ is a sacrificial love, and even as all Christians ought to live in such a way, so too do husbands. They must love their wives with tender and faithful affection, with a love that is gracious and selfless.
At the same time, being the authority figure in the relationship, husbands are also called to not abuse such a position. Though the wife submits, she is not to be treated harshly. In her submission, a wife needs to avoid manipulation or resentment; in his leadership, a husband needs to avoid being domineering and unkind.
To consider what this looks like in practice though, let’s consider five different elements of a husband’s love in action.
Directionality
Where a man leads his family is critically important. Consider for a moment that Jesus has very strong words to say about those who cause even a little one to stumble, and in Titus 1 and elsewhere Paul does the same in relation to those who lead women in the wrong direction.
In one way, then, as a husband, you have oversight over the direction you lead your family. In another way, you simply follow Christ in the direction he has already set. How you spend your time, your attitude towards spiritual matters, family matters, how you love your wife – God has already established such things.
Interestingly, Christ’s love for his bride is exemplified at least in part through washing her in the water of the Word. This means at the very least, that husbands need to know God’s Word. There is a reason why the kings needed to copy out the first 5 books of the Bible each year: they served under a greater king in heaven.
Love mandates you to lead your wife and family in the right direction and in the right way. And you then, as the authority in your home, must understand how and where God would have you lead.
Strength
“Weak men create hard times” and too many men these days are not willing to be men.
I don’t need to tell any of you that being a man is hard. Hard work by its nature expends effort and energy. That would have been true even before the Fall and yet now we must contend with thorns and thistles and pain and sin and sometimes, even futility and a lack of appreciation.
Life is hard. And in fact, it’s explicitly because life is hard that your role as a husband to protect and provide for those less able than you is so important. So, for the sake of those weaker than us, husbands need to stop acting like children. Leadership requires grit and discipline. Too many men these days are flaky; they give up far too easily. Take for example how hard it seems for some to commit to even coming to church regularly! Quite frankly, it’s almost embarrassing to consider the encouragement to the Hebrews that they have not yet resisted unto bloodshed so keep soldiering on – and then we look at the modern western man and he justifies forsaking his spiritual responsibilities because he is tired… or the weather was good so he wanted to go to the beach… or someone invited his kid to a birthday party.
A Christian man is strong and courageous in his productivity, for the Lord is on his side. Laziness is the death knell of leadership.
Virtue
In a way, virtue is simply a form of spiritual strength. And, as husbands, love requires that we must actively fight against our sin. If we do fall into sin, we must be willing to repent without it being dragged out of us.
Yet even here there is a cautionary note: You are to set the example of godliness in your relationship. Yes, you’re a sinner just like your wife. But your model and mirror is Christ, not her. Your sins are not excusable just because she also sins.
Again, allow me to be direct: every time you have to ask her to forgive you, you make it that much harder for her love to thrive and her trust to stay true. Faithfulness makes you dependable. Unfaithfulness does the opposite.
It is a wonderful thing that Jesus tells Peter to forgive his brother 70×7 – it is a powerful picture of grace. But as the Scriptures are so clear, we ought not to presume on God’s grace or continue in sin so that grace may abound. True repentance means a turning away from sin… and a pursuit of righteousness.
As the leader in the home, you are not just to set an example of repentance, but you are called to be Christlike in virtue. Peter’s brother ought not to have to ask him 490 times for forgiveness, and neither should our wives.
Humility
This relates to the earlier three points: Those who lead with conviction and strength and virtue need to constantly be challenged to be humble.
Repentance for sin is a sign of that humility. As is recognising that you’ve led in the wrong direction, or you gave up somewhere along the way. It’s humbling to acknowledge weakness and failure.
But the core of humility is realising that as much as you are called to lead in your home (and the world, and the church), you are also one who needs help. This is testified to in your very nature before the Fall, but it’s particularly true since the Fall.
Though you are called to protect your family, you are incapable of truly being their saviour. You are called to provide for your wife, but you are not able to do that by yourself either. God is the one who brings the rain or provides you with work or slays the enemies of his people or builds the house.
You are to work out your faith yes… you are to shoulder your responsibilities, but you also need to recognise that your ability to do the Lord’s will in your marriage lies with Him and not with you.
If anything, then, the humble Christian man must be a man of prayer. A man who gives glory to the Lord for what is achieved, and who continues to ask God to build his house. Considering this, a humble man doesn’t look to his achievements for his own worth, and so is crushed by failure. Instead, he looks to every good thing as a reminder he has a Father in heaven who ensures his labour is not in vain.
He can take direction and correction because he knows he isn’t perfect. And he can be thankful to his wife for her help because he is not so proud as to think he didn’t need it.
Love
Like Christ, we ought to be willing to lay our lives down for others… not just taking a bullet, but by the thousand little selfless services each day requires. We put our wives first. We show them (and our families and others), how precious they are to us by putting their needs above our own.
Jesus said there is no greater love than that a man lay his life down for his friend. And your wife is your best and closest friend.
Sometimes in marriages, the man can be so focused on the productivity or the next project that he leaves his wife behind. Or he thinks that that because he has worked 9 to 5, he can come home and play his computer or watch tv because he’s ‘done his bit’.
Now there’s nothing wrong with having a break… but we do need to recognise that we are to love our wives.
Which means that we ought to show an interest in them, and want to be with them, and want to communicate with them. Isolating yourself from them and living two different lives even under the same roof is not sufficient here.
Happiness and healthiness in marriage can never be achieved by simply leaving each other alone. On the contrary, a healthy marriage only exists when both lives are enriched more by being together rather than apart. One flesh – not flat mates with different job descriptions.
Conclusion:
The challenge that lies before us as husbands is a weighty one. But its weight isn’t because it requires hard work and hard work is hard. It also isn’t because you sometimes struggle with doubts, and your failures hang over your head.
No, the true nature of the weight of this responsibility is that the bar is Christlikeness. Love your wives as he does the church. Love her perfectly. Love her like God loves you.
The bar of success in marriage is not ultimately your wife’s appreciation; it’s God’s.
Such a bar is high. And yet, although you are weaker than you think you are in relation to a calling that is higher than you think it is, Jesus is also stronger than you realise.
We can be strong and courageous not because we ourselves are strong and courageous, but because the Lord is on our side. We can strengthen our weak knees and get back in the race each day because Christ has already won the victory. We can pour out our lives in the service of others, because by God’s grace he continues to pour into us in such a way that our cup overflows.
Brothers, your strength and your foundation is found in him alone. He is your general, your king, and your friend. And wonderfully, he is not just the saviour of your loved ones, he is yours also. So, soldier on.
Mr Joshua Flinn is the minister in the New Plymouth Reformed Church.
Photo by Ivan S on Pexels
