My journey to this article
As I begin, I should probably start with a disclaimer. I suspect one reason I was asked to write this article is that I have ten children (yes – ten!).1 If that somehow makes me an “expert” in raising children, I would disagree. Perhaps one could say there’s been plenty of practice – when you get it wrong with one, you might hope to improve with the next. In reality, that’s rarely how it works.
I’m not even sure I’ve done particularly well. Like you, I am a work in progress. There are still plenty of gaps in how I’ve parented my sons to love their wives well.
So, being a bit hesitant to take this on, I asked my children whether I should write on this subject and what they had found helpful. I emailed my six eldest – three married and three not.
Some of their responses were… illuminating:
• “When I think of what my future husband should be like, I look at you” (no pressure on my future sons-in-law).
• “God didn’t give you ten children because you’d be the perfect father” (a humbling observation) “But to show us what a perfect Father and Husband he is.”
• “You show us an earthly and flawed (sorry, not sorry) example of Christ and his bride.” (Deep down I thought I was not too bad… alas!)
So, my children have reminded me that I can’t write as someone who has arrived. All I can do is simply point you to the One I falteringly follow – the true Husband.
He is the Husband of husbands. The One who does all things well – perfectly. There is no one like him. He laid aside his glory, comfort, and position to seek his bride. Though she ignored him, neglected him, and chased after other lovers, he pursued her still.2 Jesus Christ died for her – and even now continues to live for her.
So, as we teach our sons what it means to be a husband, teach them first to look to the true Bridegroom and, of course, look to him yourself.
I’m also writing for the many of us who are discouraged by our failures in teaching our sons to become husbands. We desperately need encouragement in this task. We look to the Lord, who forgives our faults and equips us by his Spirit to raise a generation that will love their wives wholeheartedly. We don’t have it together – but he does and he gives us the grace to go on.
I trust this article is practically helpful, but also honest. Not “do it my way and you’ll get good results,” but rather some reflections of what I believe is right and helpful in the training of our sons to be godly husbands.
The sin that mars marriage
Training our sons to be godly husbands is not a walk in the park. The marriages they will enter – and the ones they observe at home – are not exactly “made in heaven.”
If you are married, you are married to a sinner (oh, and by the way, you’re also one). And since sinners bring sin into marriage, all our marriages are diseased with sin. Some reading this will also have experienced the pain of marital breakdown, whether through their own fault or another’s. Please don’t let any of this diminish your view of marriage.
Marriage is a beautiful institution, given by God. If you are married, enjoy it, treasure it. Thank God for it – you are richly blessed! If you are not married, honour it as God does – not because you are experiencing the blessings personally, but because your Father loves it. And then teach your sons that even if marriages around them are difficult or broken, marriage itself is good. Sin damages marriage – but marriage is still a gift. It is given by our Father as a living picture of Christ and his church: the One who gave his life for his bride and continues to love her.
Keep that vision front and centre as you teach your sons.
And if your own marriage is struggling, seek help. No one is beyond God’s grace. Speak to your pastor or a trusted elder. Get wise counsel. There are plenty of good helpful, gospel centred resources they can point you to. The stakes are high – not only for your own relationship, but also for your children and the marriages they will one day build.
The duty of teaching our sons
It is our responsibility to teach our sons to love their (future) wives. In Deuteronomy 6:6–9, God calls us to raise our children in his ways – and this includes how they, one day, are to treat their spouses. We must not leave them to be taught by the world. Nor should we expect them to simply figure it out. What God has taught us, we pass on to them.
According to this passage, this teaching happens in the context of the everyday rhythms of life. As we walk, talk, eat, and work, our children are learning.
I have not formally planned sessions where I will teach my boys “how to be a godly husband.” Instead, I’ve taken my boys for walks, talked with them through relationship struggles, and discussed how to treat women rightly. Over the years, we’ve read books together3 – often discussing assigned chapters while doing something ordinary, like milking our house cow. Not everyone has a cow, I realise – but simple, shared tasks together with a pre-read chapter of a book can open the door to meaningful conversations.
In a world shaped by the sexual revolution and saturated with images, our sons are constantly told what it wants them to value.4 So, in our family devotions we have, on numerous occasions read through Proverbs 31. Though often seen as a passage for women, it’s actually written to a son. It teaches him what to look for: not merely outward beauty or eye-catching curves, but character, industry, wisdom, and fear of the Lord. After all, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,” over time it fades (check the mirror) “but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
Without swinging to the other “as long as she loves the Lord, it’ll be OK” extreme, we need to challenge the culture’s obsession with appearance and redirect our sons’ eyes to what truly matters.
The example we live before our sons
One of my children said, “You told us a lot about marriage – but what you did said even more.” That could mean I was a lousy teacher, or (preferably) it shows the power of example.
So, let’s talk about example – especially for fathers (though mothers, please keep reading).
One of my concerns is seeing spouses, even in the church, who merely tolerate one another – or worse, speak negatively about each other. That is not the model we want our sons to follow. We can teach all the right things, but if our lives don’t match, our words carry little weight.
So, brothers: honour your wife in front of your children. To you, she is the most precious woman on this planet, and after God, she is the most important relationship in your life. Let your sons see that.
Expect your sons to honour, value, and love their mother. You’ve probably heard it said, “How a son treats his mother is how he will one day treat his wife.”5 There is a lot of truth in that.
Also, honour your wife in front of others. We’ve all heard far too many negative comments about wives from their husbands. Thinking and speaking negatively about her hardens your own heart towards her and teaches your children more than you realise.
Like Josh Flinn wrote in the previous article, live humbly. When you fail (and you will), show your children what repentance looks like. Confess your sin – to God, your wife, and even your children where appropriate. Ask their forgiveness. Remind yourself, and them, of the forgiveness you have in Christ. Then, in the power Christ gives you, live according to his commandments. This is daily gospel living 101: sin, salvation, and service.
Make God’s Word central in your home. The Dutch Reformed tradition emphasised prayer and Bible reading at every meal.6 Develop a rhythm that works for your family but don’t leave it to “chance” – it needs to be planned else it won’t happen.
In our home, along with prayer we consecutively read Scripture, use a children’s story Bible, and go through a devotional book at various meals. It’s not about every time being great teaching moments – it’s about consistency. Over time, this shapes your children more than you realise.
Then give your children opportunities to lead as they grow – reading Scripture and praying – so they learn to do this for their own families in the future.
The standing joke in the Stolte household is that when we reach “wives, submit to your husbands,”7 in our consecutive readings, I close the Bible and prepare to pray – only to be loudly corrected that I need to keep going because the next bit is for me! Point made and ears are attuned (admittedly, our teenagers expect it and roll their eyes every time.)
Show appreciation. Thank your wife for meals. You are reminding your children of the good of having a wonderful wife and them a great mother. The goal is that eventually they will imitate you and value their own wives.
And despite the protests of children, plenty of appropriate PDAs8 with your wife is healthy. They’re not deliberately timed or timetabled – they just happen. Let them see that your love is not just spoken, but lived. I realise that different characters and different cultures show their love in different ways, but our sons need to see that even when outer beauty fades, love in marriage grows, not declines.
Conclusion
There’s no magic formula for raising sons who will be godly husbands. I have not found the “seven-point plan” or the “30-minute talk” on its own particularly helpful. Rather, it’s formed over years – through teaching, example, repentance, and daily life in a home where Christ is central.
Our goal is to point our sons to the perfect Husband and to model, however imperfectly, what it looks like to love a wife as Christ loves his church. It’s slow work, but it’s good work, and it’s work God is pleased to use.
1 And, yes, I believe I have heard all the jokes about other forms of entertainment, so no need to pass them on.
2 Check out the book of Hosea, Ezekiel 16, amongst other passages.
3 Thoughts for Young Men (J.C. Ryle), The Young Man in the Mirror (Patrick Morley), and Dai Hankey’s A Man’s Greatest Challenge are a few we have read together. They’re fairly short, practical, and relatively easy to read.
4 A whole other topic in itself.
5 Also a note for the unmarried ladies amongst us.
6 This is not a rule, but like I say, a tradition with plenty of scriptural warrant like in Daniel 6:10; Matt 14:19; and others
7 Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1, Titus 2:4
8 In case you’re wondering, not Personal Digital Assistant, but Public Displays of Affection.
Mr Erik Stolte is a minister in the Pukekohe Reformed Church.
Photo by AdinaVoicu on Pixabay
